A lot has changed but I cant be bothered to type about it.
Basically I have been thrown into the world again, and everything has changed.
This time I have to find myself, and I have to start my life!

I dont really want to type, but I felt like making a diary entry.

 I've been reading an awful lot recently, in the past week i've read 2 books. The last book I read was 'The Making of Mia' by Ilana fox, and i reckon its probably the best book i've ever read. It was extremely inspiring, down to earth, fun, relatable, and a real page turner. 
I want to go down to the library straight away and see if there are any other books at the library written by her, but I think clyde forgot to leave his key for me this morning :/

the last weeks has actually been a real roller coaster. I've been trying to keep myself busy, think more about my future, and stay positive. but at night my mind fills with dread and stupid anxiety.
I keep thinking to myself about my lack of friends. i feel like i havent had fun or let myself go in so long because i've had no one to let go with. I keep worrying that sooner or later, i'll forget my youth and will never be able to have fun again. But I know thats a stupid thing to think and probably, knowing me, pretty impossible.

I've decided to replace people with books for the time being. Sad I know, but its making me feel better, and gives me something to look forwards to when i'm bored. When I read I can escape my life, and live through the mind of a fantastic character. And thats ok.

Today i cleaned Clyde's kitchen, and tidied the living room. I feel a bit groggy because I couldn't stop reading which stopped me from getting up. 
its a grey an cold day outside so I guess its not so bad that ill probably end up staying in today.

I thought I would be working at the stall tomorrow, but the way the weathers going, it doesn't seem so.

I have a wedding to go to at 3pm on Saturday, and then maybe a house party in the evening. I'm beginning to feel a twinge of excitement, rather, than being filled with dread at not having a single penny to my name. However, i'm sure i'll get by.

I managed to get a dress from Topshop for the wedding. its a beautiful multi coloured chiffon, with a ruffle at the top and could be played up to be smart or casual. It was £10 marked down from £45 so it really was a bargain.

Well, ramble over. Speak to you soon x

I've just been watching some youtube videos by a lady called kimmaytube, and she has really inspired me, and given me some great advice.

She's made me realise, just how much I am wasting my life, falling behind, and living up to other peoples expectations.
I am 20, and I still live with my parents, have no real goal, and dont have a degree or a levels!

Thats not good, I will be 21 next year, so I think its time to make some drastic changes.

I guess, even though I care alot about what people think, I find it hard to imagine what people are actually thinking about me. Sounds strange and confusing but I know what i mean lol.
Not that it really matters what people think, but i guess what i'm trying to say is that, I need to look at myself from somebody elses perspective, to see the mistakes that i am currently making, and rectify them.

I am proud of myself for having the weekend job in Whitstable, and for putting myself out there with regards to my freelance makeup stuff. i guess I feel i'm not doing enough to progress into the future.
I'm holding myself back because i am scared, and not confident enough to have comitments.

I want so despreatley to move out of my house, maybe get a dog, and be more independant. But to do those things I need money.
To get money I need to work more.
To work more I need to give up my free time. And lets face it, because of my lack of friends, most of my free time is spent doing absolutley nothing!
I guess some of my free time is spent with Clyde, so maybe thats another reason why I am holding myself back, because  I dont want to miss out on spending time with him.
I guess I should try and find another job that will allow me to work a couple of days of the week.
Boho the cafe is looking for staff, so tomorrow morning I will hand in my CV. the notice said flexible hours, so perhaps then I can get a couple of days work during the week.

Another thing I need to start doing is SAVING.
I tend to spend money as soon as I get it, So now is the time to begin saving.

 Well... I did just write a HUGE entry and the accidentally fucking deleted it!! ARGGGH

Basically I want to get my hair back to its natural state. I've decided that I dont want to have to straighten my hair forever, and I want to be natural again. Here are my goals:

1. Grow hair out to about shoulder length
2. Figure out a hair routine that works for my hair type, and helps it to be strong, less breakage.
3. Once at shoulder length say goodbye to hair straighteners, and hello to bantu knots and twist outs
4. Try to wear hair free or in 'protective styles' as much as possible.
5. One day achieve this:

Its going to take a long time, it will be hard, and it will be stressfull. But its what I want and I know I will be happy in the end so its worth it.

Today felt long. I got underpaid by merchant chandler, and drank a bit too much wine.
I actually dont enjoy alcohol as much as I used too, it just feels like a massive waste of money. You wouldn't exactly pay £3.50 for one glass of liquid at the supermarket would you? I think not.

I wish I had stuck to my plan of going to the library, but I got sidetracked and ended up meeting Kate, and James.
It was nice seeing Kate, but James exhausts me, and is actually extremely stressful to be around. 

I think maybe I need some time alone, but I get deathly bored, paranoid, and over think things. What is the solution?
Keep yourself busy.
Busy doing what?
Get on the bus, go for walks, see the city, find a job, read a book, practice your makeup skills?
But being alone is so quiet, theres no one to laugh with or enjoy things with.

But thats ok, because in the near future I am hoping to get a dog :-) A chihuahua. 
I have more of a connection with animals than humans. I also have a lot of love to give!

You might think it is wierd, only having a dog as a friend, but dogs are mans best friend after all! So i guess its not that wierd.
And atleast I will have something to shower with all my extra love, and in exchange he will help me to cope with being alone. Then I can finally begin to be at peace, and understand my personality, so that I can become a better, stronger person.

Things that make me happy
- Chihuahuas!
- Waking up with Clyde
- Massages
- Quiet streets in the morning

I just went for a walk and a cigarette to clear my mind.
Its time for a change, time to start doing things for myself and become and adult!

At the moment I live with my parents in a tiny room, surrounded by things that remind me too much of the past, so i feel like i need to cleanse myself and move upwards, hopefully never to fall back again.

In the past i've half heartedly tried to go forwards, only to end up back in the same place and I never realised why until recently.
Its because I was living for others, imagining how other people would like to see me, and trying to become someone else. The person that everyone expects.

But now is the future, and i'm ready to move on now, even though it will take a long time, maybe even years to achieve!
Thats my problem, i always want things to happen quickly and have the rewards at the beginning without actually putting very much effort in. I guess it is called laziness, or perhaps it is human nature, but whatever. I'm ready to begin my life instead of giving it away, sleeping my life away.

I accept that the past happened, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes and regrettable decisions, but you cant change the past no matter how much you try to lie to yourself. The only way is acceptance, and thats ok.
Everybody makes stupid mistakes, its how you learn. Perhaps if i hadn't made those mistakes I wouldn't be having this epiphany! 

I need to relax, and stop expecting everything to happen exactly how i want them to happen, and rushing into things.
Well i guess actually, I will always go at 100mph! Which is ok sometimes, but i now need to remember to slow down, take a breath, accept the situation, and feel grateful for what i have.

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, I love him so much and want to make him proud. I want to be able to make him so happy because he makes me happy, and has helped me come to this epiphany in my life, which i am grateful for.
I also have good parents, no family is perfect and there are things that I would love to change about them if I could, and that is ok. Everybody goes through the same thing in families. I am lucky to have them, even though i cant see it a lot of the time and take them for granted, I am grateful.

I always look at myself in the future, the 'dream me'. Before they were images of someone else, but now I just imagine myself to feel comfortable and independent so i am happy and excited that  finally I am happy to be myself.
For a long time i kept pretending to be other people, but now i am excited to recover myself and find out more about myself. the only person I want to be is me, and the only things I want to change are to become a better person and to learn.